I am NOT a cat trainer

After spending most of my life training horses, dogs, bunnies and humans, I’m pretty confident that I can communicate with just about any type of mammal. At this point, I feel like I can even train a chicken to do a few tricks and twirls. But cats? That’s a whole different animal.

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You know that show My Cat From Hell? Well, Matt and I live with an adorable, white and orange fluffy cat named Bear and he would be a great challenge for the cat man Jackson Galaxy. Check him out. He’s awesome and very sexy in a cat man kind of way. As some of you have read in my blog before, Bear is special. He is sweet and funny and cuddly and oh-so-cute, but he has a dark side that strikes when he’s pissed. One night, my brother had a friend sleeping over at our house on the couch. Bear was pissed because we locked him out of our room and he couldn’t snuggle with us, so he proceeded to poop on my brother’s friend. CJ (name changed to protect the victim) woke up very hung over to discover what he thought was chocolate peanut butter all over his pants. But it wasn’t chocolate peanut butter. Matt and I woke up to, “Dude! Your cat shit on me!”. He’s evil I tell ya! But we still love him. 

All of our neighbors only saw his good side. Bear would run up to anyone looking for a good scratch and a little lovin’. He loves just about anyone. But piss him off and he’ll poop or pee on anyone too. One time while I was sleeping in bed while Matt was working beside me at his desk, Bear looks like he’s about to cuddle with me and then looks Matt straight in the eye and proceeds to pee on me. Who the hell knows why! So Matt threw him out the window. I think Bear suffers from an identity crisis. He’s a dog trapped in a cats body. Or maybe he just hates us? Bear looks at us with such spite that he kind of reminds us of Stewie from Family Guy. If looks could kill, we’d all be dead and pooped on. 

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We’re staying at a friends house right now and my finger nail biting habit has come back in full force. I’m scared to death that our cat from hell is going to strike at any moment. If I’ve learned anything about cat training, it’s to make sure that the whole world revolves around them. They should have perches and play time and cuddles and cat crack. Everything needs to be perfect otherwise terror might ensue. There’s nothing worse than cat pee. Which is why today I went on a shopping spree and bought a Cat Urine Light Detector (I’m scared to death of all of the other creepy stuff I’m going to find with this blue light), several scratching posts, new yummy food, a fancy shit box, and a feathered carrot (don’t ask) that comes with a plastic vial that looks like it’s filled with marijuana (not that I know what that looks like!). Bear went cray-cray for the kitty crack filled carrot and started salivating all over with catnip scratching board. Things got really weird.

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Bear even has a temporary new girlfriend named Bella (the boys named her Vagina, but I call her Gina or Bella). Bella doesn’t like him very much, probably because he smells funny.

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So what’s the number one thing I’ve learned about cat training? Make sure that you kiss their fuzzy little asses.  

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